This piece is a part of an on-going chronicle about all things related to mid-life crisis issues that people tend to not talk about (aloud).
Let me be perfectly clear………because of my personality and my belief in the need for in-person interpersonal connections to develop successful, meaningful relationships, I dislike online dating. Now, as a remote freelancer and a person who has limited opportunities to meet people in-person, I have used online dating to meet people in hopes of achieving a long-term committed relationship, and for sex. So have a few of my female friends in their mid 40’s and early 50’s. I have had limited success with both types of searches. My friends have had no success at all. We have had lots of laughs, and many discussions about the state of men between the ages of 45–55. The pool is apparently tainted. I have also been propositioned by numerous strangers in my social media inboxes, which is such an absolute turnoff. How lame?
While tech driven young people addicted to devices may think there is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting and dating people online, I personally (at my age) think it is one of the most unsafe, detrimental resources of socializing ever developed. It’s a platform created either intentionally or unintentionally to allow people using it to be deceitful, hide true motives of inflicting harm, emotional and sexual abuse, and it’s a fruitful resource for the diagnosed (and undiagnosed) mentally ill sexual predators and sex addicts to score.
These diabolical predators now have a whole new world of potential victims at their fingertips, and women and men sometimes knowingly, unknowingly and unwittingly give to complete strangers information, photos, and other info that they wouldn’t give to their next door neighbors, the mailman, or the garbage collector.
I have decided to not use online dating any more for a variety of reasons. I have noted them below.
#1: The Lies, Lies, and more Lies
Online dating is so cold and impersonal. People lie about EVERYTHING, ANYTHING, all for NOTHING. I am too old for this shit. I have plenty of personal preferences that are well within my right, so I hate when men play games and hide information about marital status, relationship status, the number of children they have and their ages, their health statuses (yes I ask about general health), or even how you look. Most men usually get caught lying within the first few days of initiating a conversation using the online dating platform. Sometimes the same day. As soon as the mask comes off, I bounce. No need to waste time. Sadly, you bounce on to the next dude who does the exact same thing. You eventually find these online sites are simply loaded with losers looking to get laid. Men looking for a concubine. There are some untruthful women seeking come ups on those sites for sure I bet, but since I am not seeking one, I can’t talk about those experiences. Only men. Sigh!
Let’s not talk about the men who are impotent or disabled and they lie about their current state until they can’t lie anymore (like when they finally make it to the bedroom). Oh I have stories share by my sisters in the Mid-Life Struggle. They are horrible. It’s so stressful being led on by these men. And they have the nerve to talk about women!
# 2: Horrible & Untrue Profiles
I can’t tell you how many poorly written profiles I had to read through when me contacted me. I appreciate those guys who were honest on their profiles letting viewers know he was only interested in sex and hookups (especially if the site is for connecting for relationships not SEX). It made it very easy to filter him out for deletion. But there were many fake profiles if you examine them which are easy to discover. A handsome gentleman contacts you, so you look up his profile. You find he notes he lives in Tacoma, Washington, but he has a Washington, D.C. phone number, and when inquiring about his current location, he informs you he resides in Texas. RED FLAGS!
He has a beautifully written profile which sounds like a lady’s dream guy. If he made it to a phone inquiry to my throw away phone number (for safety), he has an foreign accent, for which he explains away after further inquiry as being an immigrant here in the country from Germany.
Here comes the bullshit!
After a few more inquiries and a few more days of doing online checks, I discover he is a fraud. He only wants money……..all the words he carefully selects in an attempt to entice me are from the Nigerian Online lover scam. I didn’t take the bait.
In any event there were so many other bad examples that were turn offs such as: photos with mens’ kids (and if they were his kids, why in the hell would a man place his kids in jeopardy by putting them on a dating site to be lifted by some crook? Not smart…), lots of misspelled words, lots of bad selfies (no photos of you doing life, just in a mirror or in the car), lots of church pics (Is church your entire life? Do you expect me to be your church arm candy?), bad language (sex talk, hood speak) and grammar, incomplete profiles, no photos, or a lack of information on interest. Give women plenty of information to make informed decisions. Anything less is asking to be skipped over men folk.
I am forty-five, not nineteen. My mind is mostly developed (I am still learning), my heart has been broken, and life has provided me with lots of wisdom. I don’t have the desire to play internet games with men who are not mature enough or smart enough to use social media (online dating platforms in this care) to communicate properly. It’s your loss, not mines. I’d rather be lonely than to risk being with an ass!
#3: Inappropriate Sex Talk & Texts
I was so tired of men after three initial responses asking me how well I give blow jobs, or if I could we skip the drinks and coffee and go to a hotel to meet. Or how about can he come spend the night at MY place so that we can have sex and he can make me fall in love………with his sex (ha,ha,ha). He then commences to telling me he would like for me to call him daddy. He likes his woman to wear booty shorts (lol) while cooking his breakfast for him the next day after he’s given me the best fuckin of my entire life. Sighs
And let’s not even talk about the nasty texts that come over the air waves. He never works to cultivate the relationship, earn my trust, and waits to make sure I feel safe. He can’t want to inflict is nasty, perverted thoughts into my mind via my eyes. I must get right to the business of being his bed wench. He must use his will to help win me over to his team. Team “give up my ass to him!” Nope!
Lastly, I despised him telling me how how good he eats pussy, and how good he’ll eat mines. I didn’t inquire about an eating out. I didn’t offer him a fine dining experience either.
Put my head in the oven already dammit now why don’t ya!
These are experiences of my first day intros on online dating sites when meeting a new prospect. On the very first day these real scenarios are what men gave me to work with. What does this say about the state of civility in the era of tech? It’s a platform form for sexual harassment 24/7 with no monitoring by the platform’s owners.
I just wanted to scream.
What do they think this is, a freakin game. Is online dating to men some kind of porn fantasy where they hope to meet women who will do any freaky thing they desire without any knowledge of their sexual health history or mental state? While I am well aware there are sites out there just for hookups (and I’ve been on some of those, I have an open mind), if you’re on a dating site, women are coming there with a purpose to find a date and eventually long-term companionship. I am not the one.
For the middle aged women like myself seeking a partner or companion for a long-term relationship, we need to get you off of the online dating sites so we can get to the men that want the same thing that we women are seeking. You men seeking something other than a relationship (i.e. daily BLOWJOBS, lunch romp sessions), are hogging up the site from the good guys with good intentions.
Learn how to read and use the right platforms. You men have ruined online dating for the masses with your perverted intentions and shallow minds. Please learn how to talk to mature women. Grow up.
This didn’t happen to me personally because my patience is too short and my perception is too keen for the nonsense. But I’ve had two friends to fall in love with men they’ve never met from online dating sites that did not reside in their actual states. These friends fell prey to the Nigerian Online Dating Site Scams. These men use a variety of methods to select and prey upon unsuspecting men and women to get their money. They start out being so nice, writing the most heart warming emails. These emails are so refreshing after getting tons of bullshit inbox messages from perverts, illiterates, and sex addicts. The scammers have profile pics that are so beautiful (often stolen from Facebook or other sites (i.e. Instagram, Pinterest) where unsuspecting users share real life photos. It’s love at first sight often times. They know how to trick us.
These women start talking to them, and they say all the things she wants to hear. They ask many questions, all awhile listening ever so intently, making you feel as though you’re important and they care. They tell you how important they are. He’s self employed. A contractor to be exact. He’s rich, so he says. He is here in the U.S. on a Visa or is a legal U.S. resident. He has an accent that is so romantic. Just like in the movies. Except there are a few things amidst. Like, he says he is in Texas and you’re on the East Coast, yet he calls you all types of weird hours. He can’t ever seem to get that time zone correct. His phone numbers don’t add up. He never wants to video chat. But you let all of those things slide. You’re falling for old buddy row!
He couldn’t possibly be full of shit. He’s too perfect. He is the total package!
This man wants to come see you, but he’s working, and you’re working too. In time you’ll meet. He’s falling in love already, so he says. You’re excited, happy, and just awaiting his arrival. He needs to leave the country to complete a big job for his work. A million dollar contract. You think you’ve hit the jackpot. As soon as he comes back into the country you’re going to meet. He is going to sweep you off of your feet. He’ll wine you and dine you. He wants you to look up nice places where he can stay near you so that he can spend a few weeks getting to know you better. He leaves the country. He calls you at all times of the night. He has to get a new number so you can call him while he’s away “working”. He gives you a number to the hotel he is supposedly staying at in Asia, but it doesn’t work when you call. He calls you when he can, complaining how hard his job is, how prejudice the people are, and how crazy this job is.
As soon as the job is over he says, he will be coming home to you baby. He says he loves you. You say you love him too. You are glowing like new money. He says in a month he will be coming back to the states, and straight to your hometown where he will make passionate love to you, and cook meals for you.
But as the time nears, he gets quiet. The calls come less, and the excuses get crazier. Then one day he calls in need of your help.
He needs $1,000 to get shots to get back into the states. He can’t get on the airplane without proof of having these shots. You begin to suspect you’ve been played. You start asking questions, to which you are met with objections. “You have no right to ask him questions” he says. “Why can’t you pay for the shots you say you need from the million dollars you earned from his gig,” you ask.
He tells you he doesn’t have to tell you anything about his money. You should trust him he insists. “You can keep your damned money.” he screams and hangs the phone up on you. You think about what just transpired. You have been had.
You’re hurt because someone you loved (but didn’t know) shammed you. You’re embarrassed because a few people saw signs that were not quite right, yet you ignored the signs because you were so desperate and so lonely for companionship you decided to throw caution to the wind.
You’re angry because you trusted this person for weeks, maybe even a few months. He said all the right things. He acted like the gentleman you desired and wanted. He wrote beautiful texts and long loving emails, which can be found all of the internet had you known.
It was the scam that has been a round for years. It makes these scammers nearly 2 billion dollars per year using online dating platforms. I watched my bestie fall for this scam. After trying without success to warn her about online predators and blindly trusting men, she learned. The hard way.
These are the main reasons I refuse to participate in online dating anymore. It’s just not worth my time. I have never really yielded any fruit from these sites. I’d rather be alone and wait on a chance encounter with a nice man at a coffee shop or on the way to the grocery store than to force something or settle for a sex addict, pervert, or someone shallow man not going in the same direction I am at this phase of life.
Additionally, it is a lot of work trying to protect my privacy, stay safe, and screening people online versus the work entailed to meeting a person in person. I personally don’t feel that it is worth it. I am too old. Technology is cool, but it isn’t always my friend. I don’t feel like putting men through a online vetting process which is like a job application process, and I don’t want to go through one either. Finally, I am just old school. In-person personal connections matter. There is nothing personal about meeting a man online. I feel like I am giving a piece of myself away to a complete stranger each and every encounter.
If you like the odds of online dating at this phase of life, then power to you. Here are few tips to help keep you safe and sane while fooling up with online dating. Communication is key. Cutting to the chase will help you weed out the rift raft.
Questions to Ask When Dating Online
When dating online at this stage of life (especially after ending long marriages or if you’ve been single for sometime and you’re new the online dating scene), you need to ask some basic questions which will help you make informed decisions about the person attempting to invade your safe, personal space.
Failing to ask the right questions quickly can get you scammed, robbed, raped, killed, misled, and leave you emotionally scarred. I recommend asking within the first 2 days to avoid wasting your time. Take notes, keep up with the stories. Wasting precious time is not what you want, especially if you’re rebounding from kicks in the gut from life! Ask:
- How is your health? Be specific. Ask about STD’s, STI’s and when they had their last HIV test. Sex may eventually happen, so you need to know. There are many ninjas out here with herpes, HIV, and HPV for which there is really no test for men. You should also know your status prior to dating and be firm about getting the info. A man unwilling to share his status is not worth receiving your goodness. Take control of your health.
- How is your mental health (MH)? You need to know if the person has mental health issues. Do you have experience dealing with people with MH issues? Is the person volatile?
- Are they a sex offender? Different states have different rules related to sexual offenders and their use of online sites. You need to check the national sex offender registry and well as state sex offender registries. Make sure you know who you are dealing with prior to meeting anyone regardless of sex. Also keep in mind many sexual predators have never been arrested. Just because they aren’t on the registry doesn’t mean they aren’t a predator. Follow your gut. If it feels uncomfortable, then it probably is. Your body doesn’t lie. Pay attention.
- Does your penis work? This a legitimate question. I once went out with a guy who had his prostate removed. We went out a few times, decided to go to the next level. We got a room, and he primed me up, performed oral. When I was ready to do the do, the guy pulled out this HUGE dildo, jammed it up inside of me and scared the hell out of me. I stopped him immediately and told him how inappropriate that was, and questioned why he wasn’t actually penetrating me. This led to his discussion about having prostate cancer, having it removed, and it was quite humiliating to say the least. I was angry because he was untruthful, and because he used a stray sex toy on me without my permission. I was hurt because of the way he jammed his unidentified sex toy inside of me. Who in the fuck does that? I was worried because I had no idea where that toy had been, or if my health was at risk. I was ballistic he had the nerve to ask me to suck his soft penis because he still had feeling in it and blah blah blah………… Needless to say, that never had a chance to happen again.
- Where do you live? Asking helps to determine if the person is being truthful about where they live, and also gives signs about whether the person is transient, on the up and up, etc. If the home state doesn’t add up to the phone number area code (yes, I look that up too), then ask more questions. Make sure you learn who you are dealing with. If they start off lying and know you are not checking and backtracking, they will continue to pull the wool over your eyes. It’s not necessary, unless you have a intentions that are not good.
- Are you married? Just good info to know. Also, you will want to ask when will the divorce be final, if there is one. No need getting involved in something that can’t go anywhere if you are looking a long-term committed relationship. While I realize some people can’t really afford to get divorced, asking at least helps one to know the risks upfront so you make an informed decision.
Things Not To Do:
- Do not share your social media info. You can use photos to scan the web to see if photos match up with a person’s name/identity. If you’re not going to make a life with this new person, please don’t share so much of your personal life that you put yourself and your family at risk for robbery. Keep Facebook, Instagram, and other sites where people can get pics to learn where you frequent, where you reside, and info on family and friends.
- Do not give out your real phone number. You can get apps loaded onto your cell phone to have spare phone numbers which also allows sending and receiving test free of charge. Avoid giving any info away that can be traced back to you, your home, or your job. Also note men can do the same, so understand it may take a while before you unmask your suitor. Safety is of the utmost importance.
- Do not use your real email address. Create a new email address to use for all online dating adventures. I recommend NOT using Google. They have the creepy crawly technology that links all your Google accounts based upon your IP address, devices, etc. Google will get you fucked up no matter how careful you try to be because it is super intrusive. Find another site that you don’t use for anything else like Live.com (Microsoft), Yahoo, or another email platform not affiliated with Google. Keep it clean so if you need to break ties quickly you can without putting yourself at risk. And don’t use social media inboxes (i.e. Facebook)
- Do not give out your address or true hometown location too soon. There are many types of stalkers online. Don’t give out your real address. Don’t allow him/her to send you any “gifts” directly to your place of residence. It could just be a ploy to get your home address to spy on your, or worse.
Those are the tips and experiences I felt like coughing up today in my Mid-Life Crisis follies. If you have any other tips that you’d like to add please add them below. We need to look out for each other, keep each other safe, and let’s be real about the ups and downs of online dating during this phase of life.
Lift is too short for bullshit. Won’t be having any of that, AT ALL!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I hope you enjoyed this piece. Please feel free to comment below. Your comments are welcome. And if you are an online dating site offender falling into one of the categories above, STOP IT!