I am so afraid that I am going to make the same mistake I made before when selecting my next companion. I will never be married again. My ex ruined that experience for me forever. The biggest mistake I made in this relationship was excusing and dismissing the actions, behaviors, and words of my ex-husband, the covert malignant narcissist. I thought I was being saved. Instead I was jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Malignant narcissism is all about control. His disorder caused problems in many areas of my life directly and in directly from relationships, to my work, and our financial affairs. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever endured, after I learned what I was enduring.
I wonder if he ever was diagnosed? Likely not. The more I look around society and see where these little demon soldiers are placed, I am sure that these people are worshiped by people who have no clue about what this disorder is. They are the true epitome of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I should have known he didn’t know how to treat a woman. His father abused his mother, and his second wife. He was just a kid. He always doted over his late father. The portrayals he gave about his home life differed drastically in comparison to the stories his sisters gave about the relationship between their mother and father. My ex was the next to the youngest, and apparently not as resilient as his family previously thought. He apparently had a “mean streak” no one wanted to talk about. Also a streak his family no one believed existed. I never realized how much of an impact my ex’s father’s alcoholism and domestic violence would have on my marriage and my life.
No could have ever told me in a million years this nice, soft-spoken, good looking, Christian, professional man would be so evil, diabolical, two-faced, cold and deceitful. He had no empathy for people, except those that were beneficial to him. Another red flag.
He said he’d take care of me. He knew I was fragile. Instead, he broke me. He picked the perfect victim. I thought I was helping and healing him. Instead, I’d be the one left broken and in need of repair. I feel like a doll that has been whipped around, her head limp, her eyes rolled back into her head. Her hair is all over the place, a mess from the roller coaster ride from to hell and back.
The bags under my eyes are slowly disappearing from not getting enough rest. I can eat what I want to now. I don’t have to cook what he wants to appease him anymore. It’s strange going to the grocery store not having to read packages, or prep meals in my head for special meals. I no longer have anyone looking over my shoulder telling me to eat like an adult. I didn’t realize how much PTSD I suffered from until the first trip to the grocery store after we split up. I had a nervous stomach as I went down certain aisles. I couldn’t figure out why.
I can barely listen to certain music now because it reminds me of all the happy times I thought I was having, and all of the sad times that I endured towards the end of the relationship. Music brought me through it. Music kept me sane. Now the music that I so love will help me to heal and move on. It takes time, but I won’t allow him to win.
I am attempting to rebuild my life. I left everything to start over. Little did I know he was working hard at being the baby Jesus in the golden diaper. He does no wrong. He’s perfect. He has all of the classic characteristics of a malignant narcissist. Unfortunately, they change like a chameleons. Their interactions and behaviors with specific people are deliberate, yet somewhat selective.
All of our friends are now his friends. I had to let them go in order to regain my sanity.
I went full no-contact, when I left. It included deleting all of his family and friends from my social media accounts. He spent ample time bashing me in the end on his way out of the door. I was blamed for everything. No need to try to clear my name. He’s worked diligently to lay the foundation for pinning the dissolution of this marriage on me. Just like he did the last two times when his marriages fail. He is labeled as simply being unlucky in love by his family and friends. He has everyone fooled. That’s what the narcs do.
His adult kids (my step-kids) weren’t interested in maintaining a relationship after our split, in spite of me treating them just like my own children to including keep grand kids while one was deployed several times, and getting the other out of high school and college. They were never really respectful to me anyways, and he allowed it. They just tolerated me. Just another sign I missed, I suppose. Why didn’t I leave sooner I keep asking? His family relationships were so revealing in hindsight. My mind just wanders.
Like most family members of narcissist and sociopaths, they too tend to hide, deny, protect and deflect. Sometimes they don’t know there is a problem with their loved one, because the loved one tries to remain distant. I firmly believe most do know their family members are jacked up. But my ex’s family have to know something was wrong with their loved one. I was wife number three. There can’t be something wrong with all of the former wives, and nothing wrong with him.
I don’t want know what they think. I don’t care.
I don’t want to know what’s going on in their lives, nor do I want them to know about anything going on in my life. Breaking the ties that bounded us all is of the utmost priority.
I’ve studied about what was done to me on numerous sites dedicated to helping people who have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of narcissist, and the role I played in the situation. I can feel myself getting stronger, but I also know that I have a long ways to go. Some days are better than others.
I spend lots of time alone evaluating my life. Away from friends, family, and my adult children. I just want quiet time. I veg. I enjoy my peace. No more doing things I didn’t want to do, and no more criticisms about my work, or writing. I am learning to be happy for me again. I am rooting for my recovery. People just don’t understand it, no matter how much you try to explain it to them. And just forget trying to direct friends and loved ones to literature about narcissism. They don’t have time to learn how best to help you get on with your life. The recovery journey is all your own.
I am detoxing now from the narcissistic poison put into my system by my abuser. That’s right, it’s abuse. Emotional abuse.
He never put a hand on me ever. What he beat up , savagely I might add, was my mind. My mind is poisoned. My heart has been tainted. My soul was darkened. But I am going to survive. Staying takes years off of your life. Getting out is what has to happen. It’s worth losing every material thing to win my peace of mind. I have no regrets. As long as they (the abuser) know you (the victim) is attached to material or superficial things (i.e. a lifestyle, your home, the money, cars, worried about what people will say), they control you. Staying is agreeing to be their supply, play their little game, stroke their little ego, and allowing your brain to be their play toy. Staying is not an option if you want some type of quality of life before you die.
The older you get, the harder it is to forget. It’s hard to start over. It’s hard to forgive yourself. Screw him. Screw all narcissistic abusers. He doesn’t care about me. He only cares about himself. I hope that no woman will have to even endure what I did ever again. I can’t waste another day trying to be enough for him, or anyone else for that matter. I don’t have the energy. Nor am I interested in people pleasing. I just want to find and be me.
Life after the narcissist is hard. But life after the narcissist is something that it can never be while you’re with them. The thing that it can be is better!
Are you a victim of narcissistic abuse? Find out the signs and symptoms below, then get out! You will never win. You will never win. Ever.
Information on Malignant Narcissism:
The Happy Sensitive: http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/